


Big

by crimson_wake



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Fights, Hospitals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-19 16:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5974512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimson_wake/pseuds/crimson_wake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akaashi Keiji wants one thing in life and it never truly happens until he meets Bokuto Koutarou.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Big

**Author's Note:**

> I made this entirely out of spite so please enjoy and suffer thank you

Being a child is all about staying innocent and having fun, playing whenever possible. It isn't supposed to mean the people who love a child, or at least are supposed to, use them for outlets of frustration or as drone workers for their own future benefit. Being a child means to be loved and protected, not used and hurt. But young Akaashi doesn't realize this and goes on as a child with scars that can sometimes be seen on his body, while others can't be seen at all, but continue to stay with him no matter what.

Akaashi is twelve when his teacher asks him what he wants to be when he grows up. He pauses for a moment, the words clumsy on his tongue,

"I want to be big," He says, expanding his arms out to emphasize what he says. "Bigger than anyone!" His teacher smiles and nods at his answer, satisfied with it as she moves on to ask the next student. The boy wants to be big so he doesn't have to hurt. Every kick to his gut, every smack across the face with gold rings kissing his cheeks, every hit he was ever dealt would do no damage and bring him no harm and he would be safe.

He's thirteen and he shows up to school littered with bruises that hide under his clothes. His father knows better than to hurt him where it can show. He punches him in the chest and stomach on bad days and he occasionally vomits onto the floor depending if he ate recently or not. He hates those bad days. He prefers the ones in which he's told he's a mistake and that his mother should have gotten an abortion as opposed to giving birth to him.

He's used to being not enough for his father while his mother idly watches, scared one day her once caring and loving husband will accidentally, or not, kill their child. Akaashi doesn't fight back as much as he used to. That only meant more blows and curses to receive and it was easier and quicker to just submit. Occasionally the man hits his mother as well but he tries to intervene every time. Not because he wants him to stop but because he'd rather be the one to be hit than let his mother take in the abuse.

When he's fourteen his middle school teacher asks him what he wants to be when he grows up. His mind grows weary but he remains stoic as all of his classmate's eyes are on him expectantly.

"I want to be big," He says, "To protect the people I love." He refers to his mother, the memories of his father grabbing her arm and slapping her hard across the face fresh in his mind. Several of the students snicker out of immaturity while others look at him with admiration. The teacher gives an appreciative smile and tells him it's a lovely dream before moving on to the next student.

When deciding on a high school his father already tells him before hand that if he didn't get into a specific school he would disown him. Akaashi understands and knows what will come should he fail to meet his father's high expectations. He studies as much and whenever he can, isolating himself from his friends and his mother, the only people keeping him remotely tolerant and sane.

He's fifteen when he's rushed to the emergency room with several fractured ribs and a broken humerus. His mother and father ride with him in the ambulance and he's barely conscious as the paramedics give him God knows what. His mother is crying hysterically and his father has a protective arm wrapped around her shoulder as if this was all an accident and neither of them knew what had happened to their beloved son.

But they did know. And so did he.

He's conscious a day and a half later, hooked up to several machines with bandages wrapped around his chest and a cast around his arm. Akaashi blinks slowly as his vision focuses on the pure white hospital ceiling. His memories collect all at once and he groans, feeling a migraine coming on. His father was outraged when he failed the entrance to get into the school he so desperately wanted his son to get into. He just kept hitting him until he was sure he knocked several years off his unworthy life. Turning his head to the side, he squinted his eyes to try and focus on the figure moving fervently in the nearby bed. It appeared to be a boy roughly about his age with strangely colored hair trying to violently rip his IV out.

"You shouldn't do that." Akaashi offers, jade hues meeting with startled yellow ones.

"Says who?" He questions, pausing his actions.

"Me as well as many medical professionals, I would assume." He responds. The other male thinks about it for a few moments before laying back down in his bed albeit reluctantly.

"Fair enough," He grins. "My name is Bokuto Koutaro, nice to meet'cha!" He feels the urge to cringe at how loud he was being for a patient in a hospital but fights the desire to do so.

"Akaashi Keiji." He nods to the other politely. 

"What're you here for?" He questions, laying on his side with his forearm propped up to support his weight as he faces Akaashi. He frowns at his inquiry and stays silent. This causes the boy named Bokuto to frown. "Mom or dad?"

He snaps his head towards the other with a familiar expression of fear written across his face and he thanks every deity he knows that neither of his parents were occupying the room. Bokuto himself looks surprised as he sits up once again, unable to stay still for too long.

"Seriously? It was just a hunch." He explains, afraid the other male would cry.

"Mind your own business." He snaps and turns on his side despite the burning pain searing through his ribcage just so he wouldn't face the other. For his entire hospital visit, which was rather short, he ignored Bokuto as best as he could. When he was discharged he would never see him again.

At least, that's what he thought.

When he goes to school for the first time in a while he sees a familiar mesh of oddly colored hair handing out flyers to freshman to join the volleyball team with that same stupid grin on his face. Their eyes meet for a split second before Akaashi breaks it by turning and walking away.

"Hey!" A familiar voice shouts behind him but he keeps walking, picking up his pace. Before he knows it there's a loud series of fast footsteps approaching him from behind. In no time the boy from the hospital is right beside him.

"Can I help you?" Akaashi begrudgingly asks as if he's a stranger, hoping he gets the hint.

"Yeah, you can!" He beams, handing a flyer. "Join the volleyball team!"

It's then that it dawns over Akaashi that Bokuto might actually be mentally impaired for doing something like this after their one and only encounter at the hospital. After this, the strange boy trots off back to his place and continues to enthusiastically hand out flyers to unsuspecting freshman like himself.

He's sixteen now and he's been on the volleyball team for roughly about a year. Serving as their official setter and servicing their ace and captain. He hadn't expected the boy to be the ace let alone the captain but after tossing to him in several official matches he understood why he earned such titles. He may be brash and far too enthusiastic about volleyball but he certainly wasn't stupid nor ignorant when it came to the sport.

"Hey, hey, hey! Akaashi!" Bokuto chirps one day during their break after a long practice. "Exams are coming up, y'know?!"

"I know." He nods, taking a gulp of water from his water bottle.

"And I was wondering," He also takes a chug from his water bottle before continuing. "What are you gonna do when you get out of high school?"

"What am I going to do?" The setter questions, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.

"Yeah! Like, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Akaashi eyes widen and he sets his lips into a firm line before answering,

"I want to be big," He says, a spark of new determination filling his being where fear and pain used to live. "I want to be a monster. I want to be impossibly huge and impossibly terrifying. But above else I want to be feared," Bokuto seems taken aback but listens closely and tries to ignore the fact that Akaashi's hands were shaking uncontrollably and tears were brimming in his eyes. "Because most monstrous of all are the things that hide under human skins and smiles." 

"Akaashi..." The ace whispers, a look of concern evident on his features as his friend refers to his father. The setter's expression remained stoic and neutral despite bitter tears now spilling down his cheeks. Swallowing a hard lump in his throat, the owl swings his arm around his friend's shoulder and pulls him into a tight bear hug. The setter slowly wraps his arms around him and clings to the shirt on his back before a loud sob erupts from his throat, destroying his stoic demeanor he worked so hard for to achieve all these years.


	2. Bigger

Bokuto is thirteen when his mother takes him to the doctor. He insisted he didn’t feel sick but his mother told him it was a special doctor. He didn’t understand what she meant at the time and went along with his mother. When they had arrived, the ‘special’ doctor kept asking him a bunch of questions that made his head spin and he had difficulty staying focused. After what seemed like forever, the doctor let him go and left to discuss Bokuto’s diagnosis with his mother. He had attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or more commonly known as ADHD. He didn’t know what that meant but his mother’s expression turned grim and she refused to look at her son, not even after they got home.

“Mom?” Bokuto curiously peeks into his parent’s room to find her, in bed, on the phone. He frowns at this and goes back to his own room. She was just tired and would be better tomorrow, he convinced himself ultimately before falling asleep. 

The next morning he walks downstairs to find his mother arguing with his father, they were both shouting so loud he was surprised he hadn’t woken up sooner. Bokuto shrunk against the wall, it was rare for his parents to even have a disagreement let alone a full on argument. 

“Just what am I supposed to do?!” His mother screams, going into hysterics, “He has the attention span of a goldfish!” Who does? Who is she talking about with such contempt?

“Don’t talk like that!” His father’s voice booms, causing him to jolt in surprise, “We’re discussing this later.” The man grumbles before leaving the house and slamming the front door behind him. 

“Mom?” Bokuto peeks out from behind the corner and she looks as though she’s going to yell at him as well but she doesn’t, quickly calming down. 

“Get ready for school, sweetie.” She sighs as she rubs her temples. He nods and makes his way upstairs to get dressed. 

When he’s fourteen his grades slip and he’s failing nearly everything, not that his grades were all that great before but at least he was passing. When he brings home his report card home for her to sign, she goes ballistic. 

“You’re failing everything, Koutaro! She screams at him, nearly shoving the piece of paper in his face. He was sure if it were only closer his eyes would have paper cuts. 

“Sorry, mom.” He laughs sheepishly as he runs a hand through his onyx colored hair. She grits her teeth, 

“This is why everyone thinks you’re stupid!” Bokuto froze at his mother’s exceptionally cruel words. He bites his bottom lip so hard the skin breaks but his mother says nothing about it as she continues to berate him. 

When she finishes, he leaves the house. Walking up the street he sees several women, to which he recognizes since they live in the area, conversing with one another. 

“I heard he has a birth defect…” One of them whispers to the others. 

“Really? I thought it was a learning disability?” Another pipes curiously as she crosses her arms against her chest. 

“Either way, I don’t want him near my kid.” The first woman scoffed and the other women nodded in agreement. Bokuto stared at them in shock. Were they talking about him? When they noticed his presence their faces visibly paled but they forced toothy smiles at him despite this. Without much thought he dashed up the street in search of his and his usual friend’s hideout. When he arrived, his friends looked either surprised or uncomfortable to see him. What was going on?

“Hey guys,” He grins and steps forward and they take several steps back. He cocks his head to the side at this, confused. “What’re you doing?” They look among each other nervously, trying to decide who should speak up upon their behalf. The tallest one of their small group of friends takes a step forward, still standing fairly far away from Bokuto. 

“Listen,” He sighs, scratching the back of his head, “None of us want to hang out or be friends with you anymore.” 

Bokuto could feel his heart drop in his stomach, “What?” He tries to laugh it off as though it were a joke, “Why?”

“Well, our moms say you have a disease that makes you stupid and that’s why your grades suck,” He explains and the children surrounding him nod, confirming his claim, “We don’t want to catch whatever you have.” 

“What?” He seethes, angry now. Just because he didn’t study and fooled around didn't make him diseased. 

“Hey, it’s not our fault you’re retarded-” Before he can finish his insult, Bokuto’s fist collides with his jaw, sending the boy crashing to the ground. He scrambles back onto his feet and takes a swing at the male who hit him first. Not long after,they’re both on the ground, scratching, punching, and kicking each other. Luckily, one of the girls of the group runs out of the hideout and screams for help. It’s one of the neighbors that have to forcibly pull them apart by the back of their shirts. 

Bokuto’s mother picks him up and takes him home with nothing but a split lip and several bruises. The other boy goes home with a black eye and a chipped tooth. Everyone else leaves with adrenaline pumping through their veins and emotional trauma. 

When he’s fifteen he skips school for the first time and it soon turns into a habit that spirals out of control, almost causing him to repeat the whole year but luckily he just barely saves his grades in the nick of time. Just before he enters high school, he colors his hair. He meant for it to turn out blonde but he must have read the instructions wrong and added too much bleach because his hair turned out white. He didn't mind this, thinking it still looked cool.

When he’s sixteen gets into fights regularly and breaks not only the rules but occasionally the law as well. He’s sitting beneath a highway overpass with a new group of ‘friends’ when familiar thugs approach him. The two groups glare at each other before fighting. Being far more experienced in fighting than the group he consistently spent his company with, he wasn’t surprised when they started to collapse one by one. Turning to the instigators of the fight, Bokuto glared harshly at them with piercingly bright, yellow eyes before attacking them. 

It takes an hour for him to beat the rest of the remaining thugs by himself. Standing under the dark overpass with a plethora of unconscious, beaten bodies at his feet Bokuto looks up at the dark, empty sky that was clouded with the city’s pollution. When he heard a sharp groan of pain, he turned his attention to the man lying helplessly on the ground in front of him. When their eyes met, the owl roughly grabbed him by the collar and lifted him from the ground and raised his fist threateningly. 

“N-No,” The male rasps, “Please-” Bokuto cuts him off as he punches him hard in the face, blood from his knuckles smearing with that coming from the other’s nose. 

“You’re all so weak,” His voice is hoarse but even so, he speaks as he stares back up at the starless sky, “Please, someone, anyone, fight me. I need stronger enemies. Beat me until I forget.” He just wants to feel something other than neglect from the absence of warmth and love and the never ending numbness that consumes his whole being. 

Getting into countless fights, he’s become notorious in the prefecture. One day, he’s fighting someone else and is just about to beat them unconscious when they suddenly pull out a knife and stab him in his abdomen. Not deep enough to pierce any of his vital organs but certainly painful and enough blood to seep out from his body to bleed out. He lies there, motionless as he stares up at the sky only to find that all the stars are there, shining down on the city and most certainly pitying him. 

“That’s so fucking beautiful…” He murmurs to himself ultimately before everything goes black.

When he awakes he’s in the hospital and is awoken when the nurses haul in another patient into the emergency room. He peers behind the curtain to see a boy roughly about his age, maybe younger, rest onto the bed with bandages wrapped around his bruised ribs and a cast on one of his arms. Two adults, which Bokuto assumes are his parents, watch over him. The woman, and presumably the mother, is crying hysterically while the other, presumably the father, stares down at the boy with such contempt. As if he was an inconvenience. He recognizes that look better than anyone and the two adults leave within the hour.

The other male wakes up about a day and a half later to stop him from ripping out his own IV. What did he care? They were strangers.

“My name is Bokuto Koutaro, nice to meet’cha.” He gives a toothy grin to the other. When he brings up his injuries and his suspected parents he grows stiff and ignores him. 

They meet again during the start of school when Bokuto recently turned seventeen and is a sophomore and the male named Akaashi Keiji is a freshman. The owl convinces him to join the volleyball team and surprisingly, he does. The two grow close as Bokuto drops his old ways at the end of his freshman year, when he had met Akaashi.

He’s eighteen now and he’s going to graduate soon. He has slowly been healing while the other has barely begun the process at all. 

Bokuto makes the mistake of asking what he wants to be when he grows up, ripping open old wounds that had only recently closed.


End file.
